Your Job, Steve

Dear Steve,

I am fearful for your wellbeing, as I know your job may possibly be terminated soon.  Do you want me to send you cookies?  I mean, I know you can’t live off cookies forever, but maybe you could stretch them out to feed you for a week, if you supplement them with some scraps that restaurants are throwing out.

I had thought that Mr. Dion might be taking your place, and since his first name is Stephen, it might have become confusing if I began writing letters to him as well as you, since his nickname could technically be Steve as well.  Too many Steve’s, I tell you!  Yet, by the sounds of it, Steve (Dion) forgot to do some of his homework, and people weren’t looking on him too kindly, and now he’s quit his job.  Maybe I should be sending him cookies, too?  Would you take offense to my sending cookies to another Steve, Steve?

Well, I hope that whatever is going on with you guys in parliament gets sorted out soon.  I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries, but you all are acting like a bunch of gossipy high school kids, here, plotting all this drama against each other instead of paying attention to the real issues, like what’s going on in this country.  I can picture it now, a letter getting passed around with a lot of “he-said-she-said-they-said-we-said that your party’s smells funny,” and the like.  Please, can you help turn parliament away from this childishness, Steve?  Maybe remind everyone that their actual jobs do not entail trying to back stab the other parties that they need to get along with, but rather to run a country?  Either that, or step aside for someone else who can get things running again.

With assorted worry,

NL

The Twenty-Five Hour Clock

Dear Steve,

Life is stressful right now.  I really don’t even have time to be writing you this letter, but here goes anyway.  Why isn’t combating stress in Canada a top government priority?  I mean, the government is there to help sort out Canada’s problems, right?  It’s there to make sure that this whole country runs smoothly, isn’t it?  Well, if people are stressed out, can this happen?  Doesn’t everyone seem to get way too stressed these days?

Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you such a large request, and then not lend you a hand in meeting it.  I have an idea, Steve, although I’m willing to bet that with your Conservative cleverness, you likely have some of your own.  What if we rework the day so that it’s divided into twenty-five hours?  How many times have you heard people say, “if only I had an extra hour in my day?”  Well, then they would, and they could stop pulling out their hair about getting everything done.  It would all be an illusion of course, as we can’t really add another hour, only divide up the day differently.  Yet, sometimes that’s all we need to calm us down, the illusion of something helpful.

Please do consider it.  I know it would kind of make Canada incompatible with the rest of the world, but that’s been done already through the imperial system of measurement, so why not with time?

Your tired friend,

NL

An Invite to a Party

Dear Steve,

I’ve finally got the picture from the last time you visited us onto my computer and thought I’d send it your way. That sure was a great supper, and the Jell-O dessert your wife sent with you was absolutely delicious. I hope she and your kids are doing well. Last time I saw Rachel she was going into the second grade. Anyway, it’s been awhile since you’ve called me and I feel it’s time we had a little talk. I’d call you, but it’s almost impossible to find the right extension. I’ve been wondering lately if you remember your responsibility to Canada first, as you are her first citizen. I know that you love those little Canadian flag pins, but aren’t those a little… overdone? Unnecessary? I’ll admit, they are neat to have, and I love promoting Canada. I just think that there are better ways to do it. Everybody knows what a Canadian flag looks like, and it doesn’t actually show anything about Canada or her citizens at all. Now, before you go into trying to figure out a better way to showcase Canada, I’m going to tell you that a way has already been found. It is called art. What better way to show the world what Canada is like then by giving visual images that need no translation, are made by Canadians themselves, and contain the very soul and perspective of Canada? If we also turn our heads slightly and include music and film in our view, we can also see a way to unite Canada by showing Canadians from different provinces and territories how their fellow citizens are faring. I’ve never been to Nunavut, so I have no idea what it’s like, or what the people are like… I’ve even recently heard that they might not live in igloos! We are becoming as ignorant about our own country as we regard Americans about the world. At least almost every American can list off every state and it’s capital. Most Canadians don’t know if Calgary or Edmonton is Alberta’s capital, much less what the maritime capitals are. Oh dear, I seemed to have gone on a rant. I’m sorry, I really only meant to send you the picture and remind you that you’re invited to our New Year’s party.

Hope to hear from you soon,

RB

The Answer to All the World’s Problems

Dear Steve,

I’m sharing this with you because, as PM, you will have far more opportunities to help save the world by putting this great insight to use than I ever will.  I have discovered the answer to all the world’s problems: mangoes.  Take awhile to think about it.  Start thinking of problems, and I will show you how they can be solved with mangoes.  World hunger- can be solved by eating mangoes.  Declining economy- can be solved by selling mangoes, mango products, and mango-themed merchandise.  Depression- well, who can be depressed while eating the world’s sunniest fruit?  Evil-doers in this world (you know who you are)- distract them with the deliciousness of the mango, so they are so preoccupied that they forget their evil deeds.  War- use the mango as a peace offering.  Political competition- well, would you vote for the guy promising mangoes for all, when all his competition can come up with is vague, lofty promises that don’t result in immediate scrumptiousness?

Do you like mangoes, Steve?  Oh, tell me you do!  You must!  I would be so disappointed if you didn’t.  Although, it would mean that much more of the world’s share of mango salsa for me.

With hunger,

NL

(Note- I’m hoping you readers don’t really think I trivialize the real problems in the world as much as might be indicated here.  Just having some fun with fruit is all, and trying to share a little bit of the insanity.)

Lonliness, T-Shirts, and Taxpayer’s Money

Dear Steve,

I was kinda lonely, so I thought I’d give you a shout-out.  I mean, your job is basically supposed to be taking care of all of the people of Canada and looking out for our needs, so doesn’t my need to chat with someone fall under that category?  Hey, and it’s something you can do for your country without spending any budget money!  Huzzah!  Or, if you really felt like it, you could find a way to spend taxpayer’s money on reading this letter.  You could take the money that it costs to mail return letters from our tax money.  Or, you could charge taxpayers the amount of coffee needed to get through reading my letters, which I assume is a fair bit.  Or, you could count reading this letter as work, and your salary could go towards this action.  Or, you could waste money by sending me some sort of novelty government merchandise in order to gain my favour- you know, Canadian pins; brochures on the House of Commons; signatures of all the cabinet members on a T-shirt with a picture of a smiling, waving you and a backdrop of Parliament; that sort of thing.

Missing you, Steve,

NL

(P.S.- can the T-shirt be one of those over-sized ones that are far too big for me to wear in public, unless I consider it a dress?  Thanks!)

Where Were You, Steve?

Dear Steve,

Why didn’t you show up at my Halloween party again?  I was looking forward to seeing you there.  Had a goody bag all made up for you and everything.  Did you get the invite?  Did you have trouble finding the address?  Did one of the cabinet members have a bigger party than mine, with more free food and a lovely pinata that was almost too pretty to beat?  Be honest.  Why must you neglect me so, Steve?  Someone told me that you dressed up as a Liberal this year.  That would have been great.  I bet you scared everyone when you walked into the House of Commons like that.  I wish I could think of clever costumes like you do, Steve.

Hope you don’t miss next year’s party,

NL